Yesterday...

... all my troubles seemed so far away .... 

Not really!

Yesterday, for dinner, I had pepperoni pizza, scant on pepperoni, heavy on cheese, and not just a little bit. Four slices, one of them rather big, of glorious cheese-laden yumminess.

I will suffer for it - can feel it starting already- but, I knew that going in and felt it worth the trouble. The pizza was $7 plus tax and it was well worth the money ad pain combined.

Plus that was after having the same breakfast and lunch, of salad with garlic in it. I was feeling incredibly out of sorts and prone to making rash decisions to eat pizza.. We weren't going to eat pizza, though. We were going to have hamburgers, but, the pizza was on sale and we were poor.

If I could eat pizza, as a full time thing, I'd go buy one when it was on sale, like that, or maybe even just the $10 Mama Mia, and eat a slice with some lovely salad alongside it. But, that is not my lot in life and so this was not that sort of pizza. This was an illicit joy pizza and so it was eaten illicitly and jjoyfully.

Perhaps you think I should feel guilt. Well, I do not. I feel like a person who made an informed decision and, while it was maybe not the best decision in some respects, it was made of my own free will, understanding that there would be possible painful repercussions. I'd feel guilty if I gave into temptation of the moment, perhaps; but, there is no guilt over an informed decision of this nature.

Not even sure it would be guilt I'd feel in the other circumstance. Maybe more disgusted with my own weakness. Is that a form of guilt? Maybe!

At any rate, if I was one of those people who secretly pulled into a drive thru or three, and gobbled down the food quickly so as not to get caught, then hid the evidence, I'd feel guilty.

I almost had one of those moments, the other day, for I really wanted something, like maybe a cupcake, and I was filled with unholy lust for one. Then, I went into a store to get a drink. I found myself in the bakery section, contemplating the cakes and I almost-seriously considered buying a piece and eating it before leaving the store with the drink. It would have been a quick and primarily unenjoyable gobble, too.

It was not because I was ashamed of wanting a piece of cake, though. It was that I was with my sister, and she is one of those "We can only have something yummy once a month or every two weeks" kind of people. This leads to binging and secret forays into bakery aisles! She would have looked at me with disgust, accused me of leading her astray, demanded I share with her, and generally nagged me into a coma over it.

Sometimes, reality has to assert itself. It is just a piece of cake. A ... PIECE ... of cake is not bad. It is when one eats a huge piece, every day, or several times a day, or one has some health issue where one should not eat cake, or one eats half of or a whole cake, that the trouble starts. Or, when one becomes sneaky.

When the cravings come upon  you, it is best to stop and force yourself to do a little rational thinking. And, to ask yourself questions such as:

1) Have I had too much (junk food, calories, sugar, caffeine, spending) already?
2) Is there an alternative that will satisfy?

For instance, yesterday, I really wanted something with sugar. Well, I ended up eating two Ice Breakers, instead of higher calorie, more expensive candy.

3) How much will it take to satisfy me?

Seriously, I know that there are times when it seems like you need the whole cake, pizza, pan of lasagna, or whatever; and, sometimes, you do need a lot of something, but, mostly, you don't need a lot of whatever it is that is driving you mad.

Yes, I realize I am saying that after eating four slices of pizza. I have my reasons, and they mostly go like this "The pizza will make me suffer , whether I eat one piece or more than one piece, so I may as well get maximum enjoyment out of it, for I shall not pass this way again, soon."  I even put Parmesan cheese on the pizza, and red pepper flakes, too. Mmmm!  

The last time I ate pizza, though, was several months ago; and, the time before that was also several months before that.Usually, I don't have pizza even once a year. I'm not worried about my pizza intake, just now!

After you ask yourself these questions, I want you to really consider such things as if you have eaten anything nutritious yet, what you can eat or drink that is very healthy for you before you indulge in your obsession, and if there is any way to share it with anyone so that you can have a good taste of what you need and then get it gone.

This last part is very important and it is something that many thin people do. They also do something else which is much more wasteful and much less charitable, but, it is a perfectly valid survival technique and I guess it helps the homeless, so. ..

If you can, without feeling guilty for doing harm, take your treat and share it with a reasonable amount of people. For instance, say me and my sister went and bought a dozen cookies. It would be unreasonable for us each to eat six of them in one go and she is not the sort of person who can save cookies for long, so we could not each have just one or two, every day, until gone,

However, I do have my son living with me and she does have her son, his girlfriend and his girlfriend's son living right nearby. That makes six people! Each person could have two cookies and that would be a reasonable amount. Thus would we get what we crave, without that dreadful "must finish the package" feeling holding sway.

So, don't deny yourself all pleasures, is my point. Find a way to control them! Buy a smaller package of whatever it is, eat some veggies and/or protein before sweets, bite into a pickle or some olives and see if that helps the cravings go away, drink water, take a sip of coffee or tea if your energy feels low, buy a piece of fruit if that will satisfy you instead,

Once you have it, if it is big, find a way to share it; or, if you can control yourself this way, put most of it up to indulge in later.

 I tend to buy big chocolate bars and put them in the freezer, then break off a piece every now and again. It works wonderfully, so long as I can keep other people from stealing it.

Eat it slowly, taking time to smell the aroma and enjoy the sight of it. This is your craving, your desire being fulfilled. Cherish it. Take your time. When you bite, bite slowly, and really allow the flavor to play on your tongue. Chew thoroughly and swallow reluctantly, . Wait between bites, giving yourself time to savor the aftertaste, to again enjoy the aroma.

And, if you feel satisfied, if you know that this is enough for now, stop. Don't finish the package or plate. Do what you need to do, whether it is sharing or hiding it away in the freezer for next time, or doing that most dreadful thing that skinny people do.

They actually do things like buy a candy bar, slice of pizza, hamburger, or whatever it is they are craving and then they bite into it and take their pleasure and then, in a most wasteful manner, throw the rest away.

I used to be extremely disgusted and irritated by this behavior, as it is so very wasteful. However, now I also see it as a survival technique. It is how they stay skinny. It is a discipline. If they want more candy later, they must buy another bar, and go through this all over again. They cannot finish a full candy bar, at a time. It works!

And, as I said, which I did not think about when younger: It probably helps out the homeless. I mean, if you were so bad off that you had to dig through the trash for food, wouldn't you be pleasantly surprised to find an almost full Snickers bar? Think about it!

However, I think in such cases, it is best to seek out an actual homeless person and ascertain if they would like the candy, hamburger, or whatever it is, and give it to them directly, if the answer is yes. It lends you both a little more dignity!

Now, I have not done measurements and I do not expect to, just now; but, I dd weigh yesterday and I do have my results from the time before that, too, so I shall share them with you.

On June 12th                              

Weight: 284.1
Height: 5'6.1"
B.M.I. 46
Body Fat Mass: 120.1


On June 27th                           

Weight: 283.7
Height: 5'6.1"

B .M.I. 46
Body Fat Mass 119.2

This is with drinking beer, eating cake, almost no exercise, lots of stress, and infernal amounts of heat, plus being bloated up and fairly unable to pee. So, I am not displeased.

Today, I have moved a couch, attempted to clean a bathroom floor, and arranged shelves in the kitchen in a way that will, hopefully, make it easier to get the canned goods, etc. arranged, as well.

In other words, I have made a good start on cleaning and getting ready to be able to exercise and eat healthy. For it is awfully hard to eat healthy and exercise, when one cannot find the pans or the floor space in which to do it.