I think the guy who was helping me clean went and through out all my old receipts from when I weighed and got the BMI and all. Not sure, but, probably!
So, I went and weighed today, but, I hadn't added in the measurements for the last few times, I don't think, which means I can no longer do a comparison. Unless, I am wrong about either my typing them up or him discarding them!
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Losing Weight
Losing weight is a weird process. This is something that most people, who have not lost weight, or who have lost only a little and so did not have the same sort of experience, cannot and do not understand.
It's not just becoming lighter, and it certainly does not feel like becoming healthier- not at first.
What happens is that I lose a few pounds and I feel fatter, I become looser, flappier and feel less womanly, less human altogether.
I am a person with full lips. You could not tell that, today. The flesh on my face is looser, so my double chin is more droopy, the flesh around my jaw hangs and wobbles; and, my lips, which normally jut forth in a manner that inspires idiots to quack at me, online, sag in on each other until they are naturally in a position that usually only happens with annoyance-laced deep thought.
So, thanks to losing a little weight, I am a flappy, saggy, thin-lipped cellulite-ridden joke of a human being. That is how I look to myself and that is how I feel. That is how I know I appear to others, who do not understand the process.
I have to hold onto this understanding, now that I have it. I have to embrace the change and celebrate it, even as it flaps about and claps behind me while I hurry down the hallway.
There should be no shame. I should rejoice with each waggling movement of flesh, because it is a sign of changes occurring.
It is much easier to type than to do, I assure you; but, to learn to do it may make all the difference between whether a person continues on and learns to be healthier or decides to run to a 3 -layer chocolate cake for comfort, feeling defeated before the battle has properly begun.
Battle, did I say? Aye, battle. It is a battle. Not with my body, not with society. My body will do what I tell it to do, and allow it to do, based on my understanding of its needs. Society can get bent. I do this for me!
The battle is with my own mind. I have PTSD. It is my belief that most people have it, at least a little, if ever they were born a woman, or gained weight, or have been a different ethnicity than persons around them in a manner that involved it being pointed out to them, or had a horrible teacher, or etc. It's not just for soldiers. If there was a traumatic event and it altered the way you live, the way you feel you can behave, instilled any fear in you or feeling of low self-worth, then you are having stress based on the aftermath of that trauma. That's all PTSD is. Some people have it stronger than others.
My body wants to be healthy.It is not my body that says "Let's sit quiet on the couch and eat yummy, cheese laden things until the pie arrrives." It is my mind.
Why? There are many reasons. Let's start with not wanting to be tricked into thinking some guy likes me, again, when all he wants is my body. How about inappropriate relatives and relatives of friends, who leer and make one feel as if tearing one's flesh off would not be enough to feel clean, again?
How about the general fear of failure that stems from having the sort of teachers who treat you as if you are a worthless piece of something they'd like scraped off their shoe, for no discernible reason?
How about all the alleged friends and alleged supportive relatives who constantly misunderstand motives and attribute bad actions and bad thoughts to one, when they are so far from the truth of one's nature ... until one begins to get the feeling that it doesn't matter what one does or says or thinks, because, regardless of what one tries to be, one is simple born to be looked down upon?
There are so many reasons why a person might shrink away from change and not all of them are readily apparent. Yet, if one looks deep enough, one finds that there are fears, there is trauma.
Don't you know that when a person is severely injured in a particular place, especially repeatedly, that the body generally responds by growing extra fat in that area, for further protection?
How fat are you? That's how much you are injured. Not all injuries are physical. However, diabetes is certainly injurious to the body and it causes weight gain, as does excessive cortisol production and a number of other things. So, even if you know you were abused as a child, cheated on, treated like crap by the court system during your divorce or have a horrible boss - or whatever mental trauma it is you know you have - that doesn't mean you should overlook the possibility of physical trauma, as well.
See, I am seriously overweight. I am seriously traumatized by life. The why's and wherefore's of that might be a fit subject for another book. Just trust me, I am.
The fattest part of me is my abdominal region, and the second fattest part is my upper back. Well, some of that is attributed to my wacky cortisol production, due to decades of extreme stress brought on, primarily, by having gotten married.
But, it so happens that I have a weak immune system, and I have allergies, and I got butted in the gut, several times, by a goat. All of these things, including the stress, affected my digestion and caused trauma to my digestive system. My digestive system is in my abdominal region, of course; so, here I am, most of my fat being where most of the injury occurred.
I was shaken around by persons, more than once, in ways that caused injury to my upper back. I was in car accidents that caused whiplash, many times, which was untreated. Also, the neighbor boys used to come down and throw snowballs that had chunks of ice or rock in them, and they mostly hit me in my upper back. Not to mention that stress often severely affects the upper back, due to the tension caused in the muscles which are attached, also, to the shoulders, neck and arms.
So, again, a place with much injury of a physical and a mental nature, which happens to be one of the more fat-laden parts of my anatomy.
Of course, not everyone will have exactly the same results. By that I mean, mostly, that there are genetics to consider, as well as environmental concerns. If you are a female with large breasts, it does not mean your primary emotional trauma is related to them, or that you are physically injured there. It means you have large breasts, and, more than likely, it doesn't mean a thing, else.
It is a battle. One battles to conquer one's fears. Consider the fears to be the roguish bandits one meets on the way to the celebration. You are out there, making your way to the party, and they are out there, ready to waylay your stage coach and force you, by fear or beguilement - but, most likely both- to stop, perhaps even to turn back.
One can give them what they want, and stop them, for a time. They will only come again, the next time the journey is attempted, if given into, though. They will never be satisfied with a one-time capitulation. At some point, one must fight them and win,, or give up altogether.
Your biggest fear should always be the one looming behind you, blocking your point of egress, and that should be fear of turning back, stagnation, remaining in your unhappy and unhealthy state of being. It is the only one that should not be fought against, and it is the only one that will become your ally against all the other fears that may attempt to thwart your efforts. It is both your drive and your footman, and it is well-armed, so let it do its work against your foes and guide you to where you need to go.
It's not just becoming lighter, and it certainly does not feel like becoming healthier- not at first.
What happens is that I lose a few pounds and I feel fatter, I become looser, flappier and feel less womanly, less human altogether.
I am a person with full lips. You could not tell that, today. The flesh on my face is looser, so my double chin is more droopy, the flesh around my jaw hangs and wobbles; and, my lips, which normally jut forth in a manner that inspires idiots to quack at me, online, sag in on each other until they are naturally in a position that usually only happens with annoyance-laced deep thought.
So, thanks to losing a little weight, I am a flappy, saggy, thin-lipped cellulite-ridden joke of a human being. That is how I look to myself and that is how I feel. That is how I know I appear to others, who do not understand the process.
I have to hold onto this understanding, now that I have it. I have to embrace the change and celebrate it, even as it flaps about and claps behind me while I hurry down the hallway.
There should be no shame. I should rejoice with each waggling movement of flesh, because it is a sign of changes occurring.
It is much easier to type than to do, I assure you; but, to learn to do it may make all the difference between whether a person continues on and learns to be healthier or decides to run to a 3 -layer chocolate cake for comfort, feeling defeated before the battle has properly begun.
Battle, did I say? Aye, battle. It is a battle. Not with my body, not with society. My body will do what I tell it to do, and allow it to do, based on my understanding of its needs. Society can get bent. I do this for me!
The battle is with my own mind. I have PTSD. It is my belief that most people have it, at least a little, if ever they were born a woman, or gained weight, or have been a different ethnicity than persons around them in a manner that involved it being pointed out to them, or had a horrible teacher, or etc. It's not just for soldiers. If there was a traumatic event and it altered the way you live, the way you feel you can behave, instilled any fear in you or feeling of low self-worth, then you are having stress based on the aftermath of that trauma. That's all PTSD is. Some people have it stronger than others.
My body wants to be healthy.It is not my body that says "Let's sit quiet on the couch and eat yummy, cheese laden things until the pie arrrives." It is my mind.
Why? There are many reasons. Let's start with not wanting to be tricked into thinking some guy likes me, again, when all he wants is my body. How about inappropriate relatives and relatives of friends, who leer and make one feel as if tearing one's flesh off would not be enough to feel clean, again?
How about the general fear of failure that stems from having the sort of teachers who treat you as if you are a worthless piece of something they'd like scraped off their shoe, for no discernible reason?
How about all the alleged friends and alleged supportive relatives who constantly misunderstand motives and attribute bad actions and bad thoughts to one, when they are so far from the truth of one's nature ... until one begins to get the feeling that it doesn't matter what one does or says or thinks, because, regardless of what one tries to be, one is simple born to be looked down upon?
There are so many reasons why a person might shrink away from change and not all of them are readily apparent. Yet, if one looks deep enough, one finds that there are fears, there is trauma.
Don't you know that when a person is severely injured in a particular place, especially repeatedly, that the body generally responds by growing extra fat in that area, for further protection?
How fat are you? That's how much you are injured. Not all injuries are physical. However, diabetes is certainly injurious to the body and it causes weight gain, as does excessive cortisol production and a number of other things. So, even if you know you were abused as a child, cheated on, treated like crap by the court system during your divorce or have a horrible boss - or whatever mental trauma it is you know you have - that doesn't mean you should overlook the possibility of physical trauma, as well.
See, I am seriously overweight. I am seriously traumatized by life. The why's and wherefore's of that might be a fit subject for another book. Just trust me, I am.
The fattest part of me is my abdominal region, and the second fattest part is my upper back. Well, some of that is attributed to my wacky cortisol production, due to decades of extreme stress brought on, primarily, by having gotten married.
But, it so happens that I have a weak immune system, and I have allergies, and I got butted in the gut, several times, by a goat. All of these things, including the stress, affected my digestion and caused trauma to my digestive system. My digestive system is in my abdominal region, of course; so, here I am, most of my fat being where most of the injury occurred.
I was shaken around by persons, more than once, in ways that caused injury to my upper back. I was in car accidents that caused whiplash, many times, which was untreated. Also, the neighbor boys used to come down and throw snowballs that had chunks of ice or rock in them, and they mostly hit me in my upper back. Not to mention that stress often severely affects the upper back, due to the tension caused in the muscles which are attached, also, to the shoulders, neck and arms.
So, again, a place with much injury of a physical and a mental nature, which happens to be one of the more fat-laden parts of my anatomy.
Of course, not everyone will have exactly the same results. By that I mean, mostly, that there are genetics to consider, as well as environmental concerns. If you are a female with large breasts, it does not mean your primary emotional trauma is related to them, or that you are physically injured there. It means you have large breasts, and, more than likely, it doesn't mean a thing, else.
It is a battle. One battles to conquer one's fears. Consider the fears to be the roguish bandits one meets on the way to the celebration. You are out there, making your way to the party, and they are out there, ready to waylay your stage coach and force you, by fear or beguilement - but, most likely both- to stop, perhaps even to turn back.
One can give them what they want, and stop them, for a time. They will only come again, the next time the journey is attempted, if given into, though. They will never be satisfied with a one-time capitulation. At some point, one must fight them and win,, or give up altogether.
Your biggest fear should always be the one looming behind you, blocking your point of egress, and that should be fear of turning back, stagnation, remaining in your unhappy and unhealthy state of being. It is the only one that should not be fought against, and it is the only one that will become your ally against all the other fears that may attempt to thwart your efforts. It is both your drive and your footman, and it is well-armed, so let it do its work against your foes and guide you to where you need to go.
Shoe Thingy
Today is Monday. I received the shoe thingy in the mail on Friday. Weirdly, the postman told me that is all I got in the mail, as he was setting it on my porch; only it was not all, as I also got my check and a couple of other things.
Anyway ...
I have been wearing it fairly regularly while doing my walking to music and allege-dancing. Though, I have been doing less of that, due to being ill, hot and tired.
My knee hurts a lot! Differently than it was hurting before. Well, sort of differently.
It does feel like my leg has gotten a wee bit stronger and that, maybe, my hip is considering shifting a bit more. However, I am going to have to ease up on it, because it is making my leg hurt too much, too quickly.
I'm thinking that maybe I could go on a short walk, once or twice a day, even just in the yard, and wear it for that, and work my way to more walking over time.
Anyway ...
I have been wearing it fairly regularly while doing my walking to music and allege-dancing. Though, I have been doing less of that, due to being ill, hot and tired.
My knee hurts a lot! Differently than it was hurting before. Well, sort of differently.
It does feel like my leg has gotten a wee bit stronger and that, maybe, my hip is considering shifting a bit more. However, I am going to have to ease up on it, because it is making my leg hurt too much, too quickly.
I'm thinking that maybe I could go on a short walk, once or twice a day, even just in the yard, and wear it for that, and work my way to more walking over time.
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
It's taken me approximately 200 years, but ..
I finally got someone to help me do some of the cleaning up that I couldn't seem to get done on my own. If he keeps coming back, I shall be able to find my dishes, clothes, etc. most every day! That'll help the process!
Just lately, I have been making more money at work than usual. Still not enough to pay the billls, but, an unexpected amount that caused me to realize - and I am sure Jehovah helped with this realization - that now was the time to purchase the Even Up Shoe Leveler.
I found a website where it sold a little cheaper.As in with shipping and handling added, it was still $2 or so cheaper than the next cheapest site. On that site, too, there was a review of someone who used it in the way that I intend to use it and said it works great even if one doesn't have a cast.
So, I am on my way to getting myself into position to start properly exercising and maybe even properly planning menus.
Just lately, I have been making more money at work than usual. Still not enough to pay the billls, but, an unexpected amount that caused me to realize - and I am sure Jehovah helped with this realization - that now was the time to purchase the Even Up Shoe Leveler.
I found a website where it sold a little cheaper.As in with shipping and handling added, it was still $2 or so cheaper than the next cheapest site. On that site, too, there was a review of someone who used it in the way that I intend to use it and said it works great even if one doesn't have a cast.
So, I am on my way to getting myself into position to start properly exercising and maybe even properly planning menus.
Friday, May 18, 2012
Calorie Calculator
http://www.cancer.org/healthy/toolsandcalculators/calculators/app/calorie-counter-calculator
This is the best calorie calculation, because, it tells you 1) How many calories you need to maintain your weight right now and 2) How much you need to cut down to lose 1 lb a week.
The reason I looked this up is that I read, quite some time ago, that if you are going to be counting calories, what you should do is calculate how many you need to maintain your present weight and then make yourself a goal, such as 5 lbs - 10 lbs less, and calculate how many calories you need to cut out to do it.
That way, instead of starving yourself and putting your body into panic mode,, and being uncomfortable, you can make gradual, small changes as you progress. When you hit your small goal, you move onto the next small goal, in the same way.
Of course, you also have a bigger goal in mind, the whole time, that you are working toward. It's just taking small steps to reach it, instead of heading right toward the big goal and setting yourself up for failure.
For example, currently, I weigh approximately 287 lbs and I am not getting much exercise at all. So, I chose "sedentary" and it says : You need approximately 3914 calories per day to maintain your current weight, based on your current activity level.
That's `1,869 calories worth of difference, which is far more than most diets allow. That would be pretty traumatic to drop that far, that fast! Never mind dropping down to a 1,200 calorie diet plan. Crazy!
This is the best calorie calculation, because, it tells you 1) How many calories you need to maintain your weight right now and 2) How much you need to cut down to lose 1 lb a week.
The reason I looked this up is that I read, quite some time ago, that if you are going to be counting calories, what you should do is calculate how many you need to maintain your present weight and then make yourself a goal, such as 5 lbs - 10 lbs less, and calculate how many calories you need to cut out to do it.
That way, instead of starving yourself and putting your body into panic mode,, and being uncomfortable, you can make gradual, small changes as you progress. When you hit your small goal, you move onto the next small goal, in the same way.
Of course, you also have a bigger goal in mind, the whole time, that you are working toward. It's just taking small steps to reach it, instead of heading right toward the big goal and setting yourself up for failure.
For example, currently, I weigh approximately 287 lbs and I am not getting much exercise at all. So, I chose "sedentary" and it says : You need approximately 3914 calories per day to maintain your current weight, based on your current activity level.
Now, say I want to weigh 150 lbs and still be sedentary. This says: You need approximately 2045 calories per day to maintain your current weight, based on your current activity level.
But, what if I said I wanted to weight 282 lbs?You need approximately 3845 calories per day to maintain your current weight, based on your current activity level. That's 69 less calories per day. Or, 69 calories more activity.
Or 277? You need approximately 3777 calories per day to maintain your current weight, based on your current activity level. That's 137 calories to cut or activity to add.
Long time, no post
I did go and weigh the last two times. Perhaps I shall even transcribe the results onto this blog, at some point. However, they are not very inspiring. What I have learned is that I must not spend too much time with my neighbors or my sister, as they all attempt to influence me into eating and drinking high caloric things that are not good for my health.
I had lost a goodly amount of weight, but, between running out of fresh vegetables and having a very hard time getting anyone to help me get more and all the shenanigans with fudge and beer, I gained some of it back.
Today is Friday, the 18th. I measured my waist the other day and it was 48" . Now, I shall commence to taking safflower oil, every day, to see if it is true that taking it helps to shrink your waistline significantly There are other good benefits that are claimed, but, I cannot measure those from at home.
http://www.shape.com/latest-news-trends/new-diet-study-eat-fat-reduce-fat
I was going to post some other links, that I had seen before, but, all I can find is regurgitated versions of the above.Perhaps I shall try again later. At any rate, the recommended dosage is generally 1 tsp - 2 tsp. As I am poor, I shall try 1 tsp per day for one week and then measure my waiist, again. Though, I guess I should do lower abdomen, too.
Okay, these are sitting down measurements, at the edge of couch, so that my belly is definitely pushed up. This makes it easier for me, in my crooked arsed state, to find my waistline and measure it .
So,I measured around the area that was definitely a wastline indent on the left side and as in as straight of a line around as I could muster. 50-1/2"
For the lower abdomen, I measured down on the hips, right above the crease, in the back, where the leg and hip join, and, of course, all the way around in as straight of a line as possible. 59"
5/24/2012 Update:
Due to feeling ill, I did not use Safflower oil today, and I have decided to call time on this experiment, after 5 days of taking the oil. Today would have been the 6th day.
I measured my waist at 49" and my lower abdomen at 57". Now, I did not definitely use 1 tsp. of safflower oil. I did not know where my measuring spoons were; but, I am quite sure it wasn't enough for 2 tsps. of it and sometimes it was less than 1 tsp.
So, yeah, it appears to work. After all, I was gassy and a bit bloated when I took the measurements. That's still 1-1/2" off my wait and 2" off the lower abdomen.
5-30-2012 UPDATE:
Wow! I forgot what the measurements were, and I thought I had gotten fatter, but, I guess I was wrong. For, today, I measured my waist and lower abdomen in the same manner, and the measurements were: Wasit: 48-1/2" Lower abdomen - 56-3/4". So, a little improvement and, this time, not using safflower oil!
I had lost a goodly amount of weight, but, between running out of fresh vegetables and having a very hard time getting anyone to help me get more and all the shenanigans with fudge and beer, I gained some of it back.
Today is Friday, the 18th. I measured my waist the other day and it was 48" . Now, I shall commence to taking safflower oil, every day, to see if it is true that taking it helps to shrink your waistline significantly There are other good benefits that are claimed, but, I cannot measure those from at home.
http://www.shape.com/latest-news-trends/new-diet-study-eat-fat-reduce-fat
I was going to post some other links, that I had seen before, but, all I can find is regurgitated versions of the above.Perhaps I shall try again later. At any rate, the recommended dosage is generally 1 tsp - 2 tsp. As I am poor, I shall try 1 tsp per day for one week and then measure my waiist, again. Though, I guess I should do lower abdomen, too.
Okay, these are sitting down measurements, at the edge of couch, so that my belly is definitely pushed up. This makes it easier for me, in my crooked arsed state, to find my waistline and measure it .
So,I measured around the area that was definitely a wastline indent on the left side and as in as straight of a line around as I could muster. 50-1/2"
For the lower abdomen, I measured down on the hips, right above the crease, in the back, where the leg and hip join, and, of course, all the way around in as straight of a line as possible. 59"
5/24/2012 Update:
Due to feeling ill, I did not use Safflower oil today, and I have decided to call time on this experiment, after 5 days of taking the oil. Today would have been the 6th day.
I measured my waist at 49" and my lower abdomen at 57". Now, I did not definitely use 1 tsp. of safflower oil. I did not know where my measuring spoons were; but, I am quite sure it wasn't enough for 2 tsps. of it and sometimes it was less than 1 tsp.
So, yeah, it appears to work. After all, I was gassy and a bit bloated when I took the measurements. That's still 1-1/2" off my wait and 2" off the lower abdomen.
5-30-2012 UPDATE:
Wow! I forgot what the measurements were, and I thought I had gotten fatter, but, I guess I was wrong. For, today, I measured my waist and lower abdomen in the same manner, and the measurements were: Wasit: 48-1/2" Lower abdomen - 56-3/4". So, a little improvement and, this time, not using safflower oil!
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