Alternatives and Substitutes

  I am not a big fan of substitutes, but, I am a big fan of alternatives. What does that mean?
 
  Take, for instance, low carb bread. What's the point of it? So, you can feel as if you are eating bread, without really eating bread as it is intended to be. Or, margarine: something weird, pretending to be something it's not and can never hope to equal. The only way margarine can be anywhere near as good as butter is if you encase it in butter.

  Turkey bacon. Some people love turkey bacon, I have recently learned,  by meeting one who feels this way. There is nothing inherently wrong with turkey bacon, if you want to eat turkey bacon. If what you want to eat is beef bacon or pork bacon, turkey bacon will never do and there is no point in pretending otherwise.

 Artificial sweeteners are the worst. What you want is sweet. What is sweet, when you want sweet? Sugar, maple syrup, honey; maybe agave nectar or date sugar; raisins. What do you get when you take in artificial sweetener? Do you get the same taste as any of the actually, naturally sweet things of sweetness? No. You get a weird, unnatural tasting sweet, that's all chemically weird. Why pretend anything else is the case?

  Yogurt. I have read recipes for "yogurt" that involved mixing plant milk or animal milk with a thickening agent. That was it, really. There was none of the benefit of yogurt. It was just goop, pretending to be yogurt. Now, if you want goop, that's fine, I guess; but, if you want yogurt, it's not going to work for you.

  Tofurkey scares me, especially when someone actually molds it into the shape of a turkey. Tofu, with flavoring, pretending its meat. Gross! Choose, please, do you want tofu or do you want meat? Act accordingly!

  Now, alternatives are often called substitutes, but, they are different. What's the difference? Substitutes are when you feel you should have "the real thing", but, you are stuck making do with something else. Alternatives are when you make an active choice to not eat something and to have something else, instead.

 Back to bacon. An old man sits at his table, peevishly picking at his plate. His daughter, on advice from his doctor, has thrown out all his favorite foods and substituted them with things that resemble them, in some way. Just thinking about this scenario is getting me all worked up over eggs, but, I must not digress! On his plate is turkey bacon.

"Why can't I have real bacon?" he cries.

"Because, Dad, it's not good for you. Eat your turkey bacon. It's just as good." she says, both sighingly and lyingly. Don't judge her too harshly, though. She means well.

There is no point in giving him turkey bacon. He hates it. It taunts him, because, it looks like what he loves and tastes nothing like it. If it does taste like it, that's because someone processed it in some foul (no pun intended) way to make it so. That can't be good for him! Either thing can't be good for him.

Why not give him a bowl of oatmeal, instead? Or, a really good quality piece of bacon, that's less fat, and, far more tasty and enjoyable than most bacon he's likely to have encountered; but, just the one piece? Or, a small piece of lean pork or steak? Why torture him with pretense?

 I use olive oil, safflower oil, coconut oil, and, when I can get it, I use sunflower oil and sesame oil. I'd probably use avocado oil and macadamia oil, too, if I could afford them. I say probably as I never have used them, so, I am not sure I would like them. What I do not do is use them because I can't eat butter. Although, it is true that I absolutely should not eat butter. Still, I use them, because, I wanted to try them, I did try them, and, I like them.

I use unsweetened applesauce in things like muffins, to make up for the butter and/or sugar that I left out. I even have used it to make "oven-fried" chicken. I don't do it because I can't have sugar or greasy chicken. I do it, because, in the case of the chicken, I read a recipe that was in a magazine article dedicated to one of Oprah Winfrey's earlier weight loss plans, and, it sounded good. It is good! Too bad I don't still have the recipe. I could figure it out, again, though, if I really wanted to make it.  I do it, when it comes to muffins, because, I like the taste and I like the way I feel after eating such a muffin better than the way I like the way I feel after eating some oil-laden, sugar-infested monstrosity of a muffin.

Experimentation is fun. Forced substitutions are not. Honest, more healthful eating is fun and leads to experimentation. Pretending that life is the same, when you have lost foods you love, and, whipping up horrible alternatives to them and forcing them down your throat, while your taste buds quietly rebel and make plans to kill you in your sleep: not so fun!

Most of the time, I drink unsweetened tea or water. I was, for a while, buying Stevia. I can't do it, anymore. It was really brought home to me how far off it was from its original form (much more so than processed cane sugar is) when I put it in a pan as one ingredient in a sauce to go over pancakes. It lumped up, pretty much just like this one CD did when I pan fried it because I decided it was too negative and worldly, and, I didn't want to accidentally inflict something I thought was wrong to listen to on someone else.  (There are a lot of dumpster divers in this neighborhood.) I, also, didn't want someone seeing it in the trash, asking why I scratched it up, and, generally harassing me about it, as it was something that I knew I should get rid of, but, also, still wanted. It would have hurt to see it, again.
It lumped up into a sad little plastic pile, folding in on itself and leaving a nasty residue in the pan, which was very hard to get clean again. CDs are not made to eat. Things that cook up like them shouldn't be, either.

  Now, agave nectar and honey, the real things and not the sugar that is pretending to be them, are lovely. I would probably, sometimes, still use them for that reason, if I could afford them. I can't. There are times I will use sugar, probably. I like unsweetened tea, though, and, I like oatmeal that is sweetened by pure vanilla extract, apples, pineapple, and/or raisins, so, I really don't have need of sweetener, most of the time.

When I was a kid, Mom used to make tea with milk and sugar. It was lovely. I can't have it, now, because, milk makes me very ill and sugar appears to be not that good for me, either. Sometimes, though, I want a hot, creamy beverage made with tea, that's sweet. I have tried nut milks and found them satisfying. I have tried honey and agave nectar and found them satisfying, at times. At other times, they would disappoint. At those times, I either forego the hot, creamy tea beverage or I make it with the nut milk and sugar. There is an alternative to sugar and to milk, but, there is no substitute for sugar.

  Now, on to eggs. Egg substitutes. I have no idea what they are made out of, but, I suspect they come from some aborted science experiment attempting to replicate bewetted plastic diaper covers in a laboratory setting. They are nasty! Egg whites of three, in place of eggs of one or two. No thank you! Why? Look, egg whites have their place, in the world of baking, and, they do very well there. Eggs that are supposed to be eggs, but, have been dismembered and had all the best tasting parts of them thrown out, do not do very well, anywhere - not on the plate, not on the tongue, not on the stomach.

  It is my personal belief that if you want bacon and eggs, and, you are used to eating them most every day, and, then your doctor says to stop it, then, you should stop it. Stop what? Stop eating them every day. Maybe have them once a week, or once a month, and, find alternatives that you enjoy for the other days that you are not having them. Maybe have them twice a week, but, only one slice of bacon and one egg at each of those meals. Whatever the case, don't torture yourself!

  Yes, I know, like turkey bacon, egg white omelettes have their devotees. I can't understand it, because, they are completely unsatisfying to me, but, I know it's true and its not my place to judge.

  Another thing I like to do, though I haven't in quite a while, now, is to make a baked potato and put safflower oil and Canadian Steak seasoning on it. I used to put plain, non-fat yogurt on it. Neither are a good substitute for sour cream or butter, but, both are excellent alternatives